30 Day Challenge: Day 5!

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Day 5: A time you thought about ending your own life.

This is a big of a morbid one! I wish I could say I haven’t thought it, but that would be lying.
At secondary school I went through a tough time of trying to fit in and make friends. I quickly became the person I know I’m not. This changed me, and made me very depressed. I wasn’t happy. I wanted to fit in and be ‘popular’, I wanted to be skinny and pretty likes those girls! I didn’t eat much for a long time and I turned into a very naughty, off the rails teen. I would go out drinking, I’d be with boys, I was smoking…my attitude in and out of school was poor. In the end I found a way to cope, self-harm. I look at the scars on my wrists, thighs and back and regret it. It didn’t help, and there were times I googled how to cut that little bit deeper and potentially not wake up. But I couldn’t do it, there was part of me that couldn’t do that to the ones I love. I didn’t want them to live with that! I tried hiding my self-harm for a long time and succeeded until after three years my mum found out. I stopped for a while because of how upset she got.  Then it came back, the urges. They would come when something big happened in my life. In total I self harmed for on / off 7 years. I’ve been fully clean for over a year and I’ve not thought about it once. I bottled everything up and I urge anyone doing the same to speak up. I got bullied, I know how it is. But speak to someone you trust. I wish I did it sooner. It doesn’t help, you end up with these scars for life!

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