Judgemental…

I’m not just a mum.

I am the same Maya I used to be. People don’t tend to see that. They just see me as a ‘Mum’. Which, don’t get me wrong. I am. It is just a bit of a downer when thats all people see in me. People are quick to judge. They assume they knew the circumstances. As everyone knows, I am no longer with Talia’s father. I am doing it ALONE. There’s nothing wrong with this at all, but I put my life and soul into my daughter and there’s nothing worse than hearing the put downs and the negativity. I get criticised for working part-time, yet I would get criticised for being a stay at home mum. People judge because I am a single mum. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and I am glad he ended it. Until you have been in a situation like that, you cannot possibly even begin to judge. Recently I have let peoples comments and views get to me. I have let them affect my life. But I am better than that, I am better than you.

Yes I am 22. Yes, sometimes I do act a bit silly. But that doesn’t make me dumb or immature. I want to live my life to the full, have a laugh and just be happy. I feel that a lot of people have walked out of my life in recent years but I am grateful for the ones that have walked in. People seem to think that because Im chatty and ‘out there’ that everything is fine. But most nights I still get upset at the fact I couldn’t give my daughter the ‘normal’ family I envisioned. I am still young and I manage to balance everything. I may not be perfect, but I always without fail put my daughter first. Thats something that will never change.

I don’t even know why Im writing this. I needed a vent, a huge one. There is more to me than what people seem to think. If I was given a chance, they would see that. I am so fed up of the negativity and its just dragging me down.

Single Mothers.

So, over the past few weeks since starting my new job I have truly realised how hard it is for Single Mums to work. The government and associated people always take the time to slag off single mums for not working which I do get, in some aspects. But I get why people stay at home.

As some of you may know, My ex left in January and I got made redundant at the same time. Talia was like 9 months old! I took the decision to get myself back on my feet and adjust to our new routine alone together. I have only just started a new job this September. And I am so glad I waited because its the right job for me and I spent quality time with my daughter.

Now, I don’t regret going back to work. But I have had nothing but hassle with the various benefit teams. I notified each one on the day I started work, I am a person who is hugely organised! It has been over a month now and the ‘housing benefit’ team are still causing undue stress. Telling me different things every five minutes! Now, my wages only just cover my rent. I can’t physically afford to work more hours because of childcare so I do depend on that top up from Housing and Tax Credits which is nothing to be ashamed of! At the end of the day, I didn’t set out for this scenario..I always thought I would be with her dad forever! Im spending day after day worrying and worrying that I wont have enough for everything because they are messing me about so much. I know what I am entitled to and they keep asking for evidence Ive already given them. Its going around in a vicious circle. I don’t think its fair for anyone to have to have this stress, especially alone! At the moment I feel that its caused more trouble starting a job than it was staying out of work! I love being able to provide for T and being able to work with adults. Its just really bugging me it is made impossible for single mothers. Childcare itself is a pain! I’m working to pay for Talia to go to nursery essentially.

I hate the UK. I hate our government, I hate Mendip Council and I just hate the label single mothers have!

 

Two peas in a pod!

Talia is turning into a little poser day by day! She will even hold my phone and say “Cheeeeeeeeese” which is super super cute! 

The reason I haven’t posted much consistently is the fact I’ve been super busy since being back at work. Plus I’m super conscious of how much time I spend on my phone or laptop when Talia is about. Now she’s growing up fast, I don’t want her thinking I’m preoccupied by other things. So I have been putting technology down a lot more to truly appreciate every second! 

I just can’t get over how fast she is excelling! Nearly 17 months old. Has the attitude of a three year old and throws tantrums like one too! Today she learnt to stand on her bouncing frog and surf (thats what it looked like anyway!). She sure knows how to panic me! 

We went to see a friends newborn on Sunday and Talia was amazing. She didn’t get jealous, she was trying to give the baby his blanket and kisses. She was so gentle. And it really made me realise how understanding she is of the world around her. I am so unbelievably proud. She has come so far in such little time! I truly cannot believe how fast its flying before my eyes! 

Her favourite word is “Mumma” at the moment which is amazing! I love hearing it, it makes me feel amazing! This little girl is my best friend. I don’t care how sad that seems. But she has changed my life for the better and I am so grateful! 

A year ago…

A whole year ago, I was happy in your arms. At least I thought so. 

What I didn’t know, was you were not happy. Sneaking around behind my back, pretending you wanted ‘our family’. 

9 months to the day that you left. 

It feels like a lifetime. 

A lifetime ago that you broke my heart, let me down and turned my world inside out. 

BUT I am grateful. Thankyou for making me see sense. Thankyou for making me realise that I don’t need a man to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, being the father of my child it’ll always hurt that you left. I’ll always have a place in my heart for you. 

But I no longer cry when I hear your name. 

My heart doesn’t crumple when I think of you with another girl. 

I no longer wonder what we could’ve had and could’ve been. 

For I am grateful that we created such a beautiful human being in the short time we spent together. She has healed my broken heart. 

I am finally in a happy place. I feel that this is the happiest I have ever been. I am back at work, I have a small group of friends, my family and most importantly I have my little girl. I feel that nothing can burst my bubble right now. 

I am PROUD. I am proud of fixing myself, picking myself up off of the ground and fighting for it all. 

Its just crazy when you look back in time and see how things were and how far you do grow and thrive. 

I can take anything life throws at me, as long as I’ve got my daughter by my side! 

Sparkling Pumpkin.

The only thing that’ll proper relax me is a LUSH bath bomb. (Bubble bar in this case)

I don’t get them all the time, but I stock up when I do. I went into the Taunton one today to see some new Halloween products that I haven’t tried! This excites me! 

This one is ‘Sparkling Pumpkin’. I can’t quite put a name to the smell but there is spices of some sort? I LOVE the glitter, all in all its rather cute! 

Because I had my bath quite late, the lighting is poor. My bath was bright orange. Reminded me of Kenan and Kel’s orange soda! It was a divine bath. I feel so fresh, fulfilled and relaxed. I’ll definitely be buying this one again! I bathed for about 50 minutes because I didn’t want to waste it!

If you haven’t tried LUSH bath products, I really recommend you do. If you have tried them, is there any you’d recommend to me? X

Best Friends!

Animals are wonderful and I believe my daughter has found a best friend in Flake ( Rabbit).

Talia wanted to see Flake before bed this evening, it was wet outside so I brought him indoors. They both sat on the sofa and Flake had a little explore. There were a few occassions where Talia thought she could bounce on the sofa, thankfully she didn’t squish the poor thing! She got very jealous when I cuddled him, so she had to have cuddles with him too. She is actually amazing with him. I’ve not know a toddler to be as gentle as she is with him. She strokes him softly and talks to him too! I don’t even know what shes saying, I just know it sounds super cute! I am so happy we got Flake, over time shes gradually learning more about him! She helps feed him and put fresh hay in his hutch! Love them both dearly and I hope she continues to love him!

First day of Nursery!

Today, T started nursery! 

I couldn’t sleep last night, I felt so nervous for her. When I went to take her this morning she cried ALOT, she didn’t want to let go. So I had to hand her over and leave. 

It broke my heart. I drove to work crying! 

BUT. After calling to check on her during lunch, it put my mind at ease. 

When I picked her up, I poked my head round the door and went “Talia, who is it?” And she turned and ran straight to me. Jumped up, gave me the biggest snuggle I think I’ve ever received. She was so happy! They informed me she stopped crying five minutes after I left her and that she had been fantastic. She was playing so well with other children! She also loved the drawing and I even received my very own picture! 

I’m so proud of her, I really am!

Cruel mummy!

This face represents a broken hearted toddler. 

The reason you ask?  Because mean Mummy wouldn’t allow her cuddly giraffe comforter ‘Raffi’ in the bath with her. She’s never wanted to take this before and she’s been attached to it since day 1. This week however, she wanted it to go in with her. 

She wouldn’t even stay in the bath because she was so angry and upset that mummy wouldn’t let her have it! 

Naughty Mummy, this photo breaks me heart! 

Cupcakes. Nom nom.

I’ve literally grown a new found love for baking..whether I’m any good at it is another story! But Talia tries to help, she doesn’t really understand but will prod the mix a few times. And without fail, she will eat the finished product! 

I’ve spent ages finding a cupcake recipe online that is simple, easy but very scrummy. Today, I finally found a recipe that is that! 

http://www.annabelkarmel.com/recipes/easy-cupcakes

Above is the link! I am only a basic baker as such. I’m slowly getting better! Hence why I’ve chosen a simple recipe! I made these today (with added chocolate drops inside) and they are great! Unfortunately I am yet to buy a piping bag etc for icing, so the icing didn’t look brilliant but certainly tasted it! 

As you can see, Talia mainly watched whilst eating party rings! 

Testing Tantrums.

Talia is the queen of tantrums. She’s 16 months old and I’m legitimately feeling like “Terrible Twos” has hit our household now. 

Some days, I literally feel defeated. I do everything possible to make her happy. Im lucky if I sit down, some days I forget to eat. Not intentionally but I’m always doing something! I know its not her fault and she can’t help it but sometimes I feel like I’m not enough? Obviously its just me and her. I feel like she needs more she probably doesn’t but I just don’t know what is going on in her little cute head! 

She’s started being fussy with food, kicking me, generally ignoring me when I tell her not to do something, throwing long tantrums on the floor and spending most of the day crying or whining. I feel like I must be doing something wrong? 

I know I overthink but her happiness is my number one priority and I just hate to see her so agitated and sad. 

Any advice? X